Toast · Chapter 6 of 8

Can I make this without…?

Yes. You can make this toast without almost anything. Here is what happens when you try, in order, the way my brother Dale did in the summer of '97.
As promised in Chapter 1

Where Dale was that summer.

Dale spent most of the summer of '97 at our cousin's place, trying to make toast without using any of the things toast is made of. He was fourteen. He had just discovered the word “substitute” and was using it on everything. The results are below, and he has asked me to say that he regrets nothing.

Substitutions, tested

One swap at a time.

Swap 01

Gluten-free bread

Works beautifully. Use your favourite gluten-free loaf and follow the recipe exactly. Honestly, the one genuinely useful card on this page.

Swap 02

No bread: use a rice cake

A rice cake in a toaster becomes a warmer rice cake. It is not toast. It is, at best, a rice cake with ambition.

Swap 03

No toaster: use the sun

Dale left a slice on the porch for six hours in July. It became a crouton. Then it became a bird's.

Swap 04

No bread, no toaster, no butter

Remove every ingredient and what remains is a plate. Dale washed the plate. He put it away. He poured himself a glass of water. He says it was the best toast he has ever had.